Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
