I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
