I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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