i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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