I wish life had little blips of pornography
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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