I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
