You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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