Your dad touched me again.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
