Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
