I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
