my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
