Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
