My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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