mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
