Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
