the condom got lost in my hair
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
