I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
