Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
