i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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