im drinking this country out of the recession.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
