yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
