I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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