OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
