we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
