i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
