Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
