At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
