This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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