I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
