He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
