i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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