Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
