Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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