I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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