proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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