I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
