You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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