Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
not ubering you a puppy
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
