I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
