I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
