she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
