My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
