Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
