By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
