My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
