All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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