This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
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