I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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