and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
