She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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