and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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