i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
