Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Michael Bay diarrhea
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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