Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
