I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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