I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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